Nice v. Kind

Flip the Script: A Series

There is a familiar terminology that is used for where I live - “Minnesota Nice”. On the surface this phrase may seem complimentary, and I would say, in some regards, it is. The people overall in Minnesota are pleasant and willing to help one another, particularly in challenging situations such as stopping to help dig you out of a snow bank. Alternatively, there is a notion that accompanies this term that is not so complimentary in which people are nice on the surface but that is as far as it goes. 

You see, while being nice can be helpful temporarily (as noted example above), being nice is often a performative act that doesn’t necessarily come from a place of authenticity or even genuine care about the other. Niceness is frequently a notion that puts the focus on ourselves (what we did/ said and how we want others to perceive us) rather than kindness which puts the focus on the other person (how it was beneficial/ helpful to them regardless of how others perceive it).

Do you see the distinction?

Niceness is a behavior, kindness is a character trait. Niceness can be isolated to a particular person, situation, or event, kindness is a practice. Niceness gets exhausted. Kindness perseveres. Niceness seeks to be right, kindness seeks to love.  

If you’re not noticing the pattern yet in this series, I’m guessing you will be the end. So much of what we are doing is not connected to our best or authentic selves, but rather a sense of moral superiority. As humans we are often seeking approval and purpose. Though this is a normal desire, the path to getting those things is not through what is sanctioned by others as appropriate, but recognizing and realizing who we are at our core.

Our best selves come out when we are rooted in who we were made to be. By definition, authenticity is not performative. We are grounded and free when we are able to understand that who we are is not dependent on the world around us but on aligning ourselves from within. If we believe that we should (read last week’s article if you haven’t) be nice to others, it will be effortful and challenging.  If we believe that we were created to consider others as we consider ourselves, then we are more likely to be kind. 

The amazing thing that happens when we are aligned within ourselves, we benefit and others benefit. When we are being performative, usually one side suffers - we end up sacrificing ourselves or the other.

So instead of focusing on niceness, determine what is keeping you from being kind. I know that instead of being termed “Minnesota Nice” I’d rather be “Kind Katie”.

If you are stuck in pretending or performing in life to get the approval of others rather than living out of your authentic self I would love to come alongside you! Sign up for a Free Consult today!